Journal Entry – “Something Positive”

It has been quite awhile since I have had a blog entry. This, my most recent entry, initially started February 2015, was entitled “Something Positive” but sat empty for nearly 2 years. There is a good reason for this lapse in posting. It’s a sad reason, one that I do not like to speak about.

However, since my therapist has suggested using a blog/journal to relieve my emotional turmoil , I am again attempting to put my thoughts in writing.  Problem is, I can’t think of anything positive. I guess I’ll start with the problem.

I once had three beautiful daughters, now I have only 2 living – my youngest passed away on November 7, 2013. She was 22 years young and brought the sunshine with her everywhere she went. Asthma took her from us. Then the sun stopped shining in our home. We sat inside, like hermits, away from the world, shocked and stunned, for nearly 6 months. I cried every day for 13 months after her passing. I felt dry inside as if I cried all the tears out and need a refill because I feel as dry as the Mojave Salt Flats now. Suffice to say it has been a tough few years.

I suppose the rest will come out in time but for now, I guess the positive side is that I am still here to blog it out. I’m still here to see my other daughters every day. I’ve still got tears to cry, but they are fewer and farther between. I’m not dry inside now. My smile is returning. The sun is still shining outside, but now it’s shining again inside our home. We loved Brianna with all our hearts and miss her more than anyone can say. But the positive side is that God let us have her with us for 22 years. If you knew her, you’d know that is definitely a positive thing.

Until next time,

~Aye

 

 

Loving like you did when you were a Kid

In reply to a question that I read recently, my thoughts led me to the following observation which I did indeed post. I have actually tested this theory and it does indeed work well.
Read on…..

“Actually, loving someone is very simple. We loved a whole lot faster and easier when we were all young and didn’t know any better. As adults, for some reason we’re so scared of getting our feelings hurt by trusting someone that we forget how to just let love, affection & friendship develop the way it’s supposed to.

We try to control it, and force it , and MAKE it happen.

But remember when you “liked” that cute boy in class? It never occurred to you to FORCE him to like you back – you simply “hoped” he did, didn’t you?

Love isn’t hard – It’s the trust part that is hard.
Can We

We tend to be unable to simply trust the other person to love us enough OR once they actually do love us, we f*ck it all up being insecure, possessive & stupid. And most of the time (if people are truly honest with themselves) we simply don’t have the confidence that we ourselves are actually worth the love that we want from someone else; so we end up chasing the person away by smothering them because we think that if we don’t, they’ll find someone else to love – which is generally what happens anyway with the unbelievably anal-retentive, obsessive behavior that adults seem to develop once they reach “maturity” and become “educated” (re: jaded) after a few turns around the block of the romantic school of hard knocks.

What I have observed is that love is very simple – people are complicated.

Love hasn’t changed much from the time when we were 5 and we had the first real love of our lives, which is why people will spend their entire lives searching for someone who will love them and make them feel as loved and secure as their very first real love did. People don’t really change much from the way they were when they were 5 or 6 – before they became jaded by life, relationships and all the little hurts and pains that come with it.

Think about it, you probably still like all the same things now that you liked when you were 5 – but you were 5, so the list wasn’t as long as it is now – you just like MORE things now than you did then. You are probably still attracted to the same kind of girl or guy that you first noticed when you were in the 2nd grade. Remember the girl who had that cute ponytail that bounced so cute when she ran? Or the boy with the dimple that you only saw when he wasn’t trying to show it? (be honest, you probably still like to see ladies with hair that bounces just like that today – she’s just got tits and a bigger ass than she did when you were 7, doesn’t she? and guys with dimples still make you warm ladies, they just seem to sport somemajor guns and a perfect 4 or 6-pack along with the dimples now)….I’ll bet you’d get with him or her even now if you could, no questions asked either – wouldn’t ya? Go ahead, admit it, I won’t tell.

Actually, Love hasn’t changed, and it’s not really all that hard. We’ve just grown up and complicated it now that we’re older and wiser (and been burned deeply and often for chasing the wrong kind of people for waaay too long).

Look deep in the mirror. Try to go back, try to locate that kid you were when you were 11 and had your first crush – go find him/her, go get the crayons, coloring book and the glass of red Kool-aid and go back to being that young, open-minded simple person you were then….. Love will get ALOT easier if you can manage to do that.”

Just an observation…..

~Aye

Dear Diary…. Can’t Complain

Y’know, for the past week I’ve been in a truly crappy mood. I mean really shitty, complaining about everything under the sun from my boss, to being lonely, to man problems,  to job stress, to money, to the air quality, to ….sheesh, you name it, I complained about it. Oddly enough, today 6 days later, (miraculously) I’m feeling OK. Actually better than OK – I feel pretty dagonned GOOD 🙂 

In truth,

I’ve got a really cool boss. She’s kinda anal and particular, but she’s cute and funny about it so really its not bad anal..just more like she’s kinda quirky and reminds me of Monica from FRIENDS. But she’s cool & It works. . 

More truth –>I’m not a bit lonely, TRUST. I’m alone, but thats very different than lonely. Can’t necessarily be lonely when 99.999999% of the time you’re avoiding people and running those off who are around. Truth is: I’m anti-social, leaning heavily to HERMIT territory :/  

Additional Truth #1–> The weather has been a beautiful California-like mid-80’s balmy that just CAN’T be beat except on the Big Island of Hawaii, or perhaps the Caribbean – so that complaint don’t hold water either. Too much truth – I’m feeling a Lil silly  right about now thinking about my behavior these past days o_0 

Now granted, the air quality in this dirty valley IS the worst in all 50 States of these United, and no, I haven’t won the Super or the Mega Lottery yet, so I guess the $$$ complain could be considered  valid, but HEY I used to be in a constant state of RED ink with Wells Fargo and now I’m living in the black with the Credit Union even having both *gasp* savings AND 401K accounts  :-0, so no, I can’t really complain about money either. Ok, now the MAN complaints – sigh – yeah, I can complain about that, but what woman can’t. Wait, Lesbians can’t, that’s who. LMAO… But since I’m straight, yeah I can complain about man issues, but not nearly with as much validity as I was hollering about the testosterone-driven population last week. That was just doing too damn much.

Nor was it fair, SO….. to every MALE person in the vicinity: I APOLOGIZE for calling you guys names like %^&*$!, and %$$$, and ^%##@!!! for a full week straight. 

Please gentlemen,forgive my rudeness.

Thanks Bunches 🙂

Here’s the kicker tho. Know what all the meanness was about last week? 

HORMONES

Sad to admit it, but yeah, WOW do those lil suckers make a chick bitchy when they decide to surge*smh.

Moral of the story: BEWARE hormonal bitches. If you’re MY friend and you’re a male person, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE mark your calenders each month from the 5th thru 12th. Buy a box of earplugs, get a case or two of beers and ignore me during those days. If you’re a girl, just tell me to STFU and go to See’s please. That’d save us all some time. 


Much Luv

~Aye, out

Some years there are Apples

I didn’t get this when I first read it. Took nearly all day thinking to get it. I got it now.

What “it” do I mean?
Well its the final line to a poem entitled GATHER by Rose McLarney.

I saw this poem in my email earlier today while perusing my email during lunch hour on the Friday of a very busy and emotionally charged week.

Busy because of my workload at my job. Busy because I also started a new home-based business. Busy because its also the week of my twin daughters’ 27th birthday, my best friends’ birthday, and Mothers Day.
Emotional..?? Yeah, that too. I would just simplify that part and say I’m hormonal. True, but not the whole truth. Hormones are making things feel so much more intense, but I’ve got a valid reason to be emotional and touchy right now.

But no, I’m NOT going to go into the whys and whereafores of my emotional upheaval. Thats a blog entry for another day. It’ll be a biggie though, promise.

…and no, I haven’t digressed, I’m simply explaining, ok. Don’t rush me…..

The apples and “it”. Well it sort of ties in with my emotional week. Basically “it” is the fact that life just happens, y’know? Things just happen no matter what we try to do to change them, no matter what we do to try to control them, regardless what we want, or expect, or hope for. Things just happen as they will. Each in its own time. Can’t rush it, control it or force it. And some years, you get Apples.

~Aye

….ok, ok alright already *sheesh, quit pushing. Here’s the poem, maybe you’ll get “it” too….enjoy, and thanks for listening. I needed to get that off my chest.

GATHER by Rose McLarney

Some springs, apples bloom too soon.
The trees have grown here for a hundred years, and are still quick
to trust that the frost has finished. Some springs,
pink petals turn black. Those summers, the orchards are empty
and quiet. No reason for the bees to come.

Other summers, red apples beat hearty in the trees, golden apples
glow in sheer skin. Their weight breaks
branches, the ground rolls with apples, and you fall in fruit.

You could say, I have been foolish. You could say, I have been fooled.
You could say, Some years, there are apples.

http://www.poets.org

Diary – Thoughts Swirling in my Head

This is a true diary entry… just rambling thoughts in my head…so don’t expect to read anything fantastic.


When I was a kid I used to be a pen-pal. I loved writing letters, telling my friend from far away all the updates (good and bad) that have happened in my life. For me, it was cool waiting for the mail to bring me a letter from my friend.  Today I  woke up thinking that I wanted to write a letter to a friend….. but now I have lots of friends to write to. So here I am on a Saturday afternoon, writing my letter….

A warning though. This letter will be ongoing as I add more over the next few days.

Today – Sat. Jan 29, 2011

I did nothing. Nothing constructive that is… I worked on updating the look of my blogs and I surfed the internet. That’s pretty much it, besides eating… I did nothing.    😀   Very cool Day 😀

~Aye, out

Today – Mon. Jan 31, 2011

Today was NOT the best of days at work 😦 Just one of those days when everything I tried to work on seemed to be an issue. Everything.  By the time lunch came round, I was so discouraged I just left hoping that an hour away and some food would improve my luck. When I returned I learned otherwise *grrrr* ….  Glad my work day is done.  I’m going for a walk. The exercise will do my body good and hopefully my mind as well.

Failing that…… there’s always Marie Calendars Pie Menu 😀 Pie & Ice Cream – YEAH Baby!!!! *happy dance*

Marie Calendars Pie

~Aye, out

Dear Diary… Tired

…. yes, I titled this one “tired” because that is what I am tonight. Truthfully, I am so tired that my brain wants to stop working, stop thinking, stop analyzing.. I think school is getting to me. But I can’t tire out, not yet. Yes, I am in the final year of my BS program, but I also have an MBA to obtain as well. Can’t get tired yet – I have 2 more years to complete. But for now, this sista is worn out. Worn out, I tell you. Exhausted….perhaps my brain will be better after 8 hours of rest. I do hope so – I have class tomorrow.

Can’t go to sleep yet. I promised myself that I would start my journal again and I must keep my word to myself and write something here, regardless of how trivial it seems, I must continue to write something in my journal. So…. here it is…..

SOMETHING.

*goodnight*

~Aye, out