Journal Entry – “Something Positive”

It has been quite awhile since I have had a blog entry. This, my most recent entry, initially started February 2015, was entitled “Something Positive” but sat empty for nearly 2 years. There is a good reason for this lapse in posting. It’s a sad reason, one that I do not like to speak about.

However, since my therapist has suggested using a blog/journal to relieve my emotional turmoil , I am again attempting to put my thoughts in writing.  Problem is, I can’t think of anything positive. I guess I’ll start with the problem.

I once had three beautiful daughters, now I have only 2 living – my youngest passed away on November 7, 2013. She was 22 years young and brought the sunshine with her everywhere she went. Asthma took her from us. Then the sun stopped shining in our home. We sat inside, like hermits, away from the world, shocked and stunned, for nearly 6 months. I cried every day for 13 months after her passing. I felt dry inside as if I cried all the tears out and need a refill because I feel as dry as the Mojave Salt Flats now. Suffice to say it has been a tough few years.

I suppose the rest will come out in time but for now, I guess the positive side is that I am still here to blog it out. I’m still here to see my other daughters every day. I’ve still got tears to cry, but they are fewer and farther between. I’m not dry inside now. My smile is returning. The sun is still shining outside, but now it’s shining again inside our home. We loved Brianna with all our hearts and miss her more than anyone can say. But the positive side is that God let us have her with us for 22 years. If you knew her, you’d know that is definitely a positive thing.

Until next time,

~Aye

 

 

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Time to re-focus my energy on Me

There are times in my life that I realize that I have spent so much time severely neglecting my own needs, wants and desires all the while satisfying the needs of everyone around me.

It’s time now for me

It’s time now to make me happy

It’s time now

Let’s see what I want to do next…

~Aye

What celebrity would you most like to meet in person?

Well it was Boris Kodjoe, but I have already had the pleasure of meeting him, and yes he IS absolutely gorgeous, but…..I’d really like to meet and hang out with Jane Lynch for a lil minute. She’s just too damn cool 😀

Ask me anything – Just keep it clean people.

Welcome *again* to ~Aye’s world

Since my MSN Spaces blog was discontinued in deference to WordPress where my last blog was located – it died along with the failed business website which I will eventually also blog about in the foreseeable future, this will do nicely.

Unfortunately, my mind is (still) focused on a nearly continual basis with finishing my final classes to obtain my Bachelors Degree, this blog will (probably) remain in limbo. Six months and counting until I’m holding my hard-earned degree in my hot little hands, my mind uncluttered and free of the anxiety of textbooks, 2,100 word papers and final exams… I’m starting to smell success in the air :D…life will return to a modicum of normalcy when my thoughts will begin to wander as they did long ago before “school” turned them from Alice In Wonderland & The Hobbit to Global Business Negotiations. It will be a joy to read a book purely for pleasure again. To sit on my laptop and search Rhapsody for ALL of my favorite songs to load onto my Evo4 so I can  zone out with all my faves in my ear chair-dancing at work while processing claims.

I want my life back (weighted of course with my degree and all its very expensive teachings in my back pocket) so I can move forward with a confident smile curving my lovely lips *insert lip pic here*

insert pretty-lip pic

😀 eyes sparkle with a grin …..uum, anyway all I’m saying is ENOUGH WITH SCHOOL, it’s a beautiful Saturday afternoon in southern Cali, can I go start living aw’ready???

~Aye, out

Goodbye 2010 – My Year in Review

It was Jan 1, 2010 when I posted this–> my new years resolution on Facebook: “Peace & Quiet for me and No matter what happens, I’m gonna do ME and let You do You.”

So let’s see if I stuck to my resolution…

2010 started with a plan to (finally) relocate from California to (somewhere) on the East Coast, preferably New York. Since I’m still in Cali and the plan fell through (again)…I sighed and gave it up because with the continual interferences in my plans, apparently I’m not supposed to live permanently on the East Coast – guess I’m in Cali to stay. So 2010 ends with the death of a dear-to-my-heart dream.

What else happened to affect my life in 2010?

…stay tuned…

Sustainable Love – Tara Parker-Pope on Happy Marriages – NYTimes.com

Sustainable Love – Tara Parker-Pope on Happy Marriages – NYTimes.com

My god, T.. another blog? WHYYYYYYY?

Quote

My god, T.. another blog? WHYYYYYYY?
WHY? you ask.

Because THIS IS AMERICA, it’s my journal and  I CAN HAVE ANOTHER BLOG IF I WANT ONE ….happy?

Plus, it’s not really a blog per se, it’s more like my diary. The reason its “another one” is because I keep finding updated versions of my old email addresses with new stuff added that’s better than the last. For instance, there was:

  1. AOL ( c’mon, gimme a break, I was a newbeee back in 1997)
  2. MSN (waaaay back in the days of Netscape)
  3. Yahoo (cool, free email PLUS a neat-o instant messenger)
  4. Blackplanet (god, was I even on that grimey site? – I needed a bath after that one)
  5. HotorNot (another bath  make it HOT this time, the filth..ewww )
  6. Friendster (crickets )
  7. then there were the imitators….Hi5 and that group.
  8. Fubar (formerly Cherrytap — talk about ‘blatant’ don’cha think?)
  9. Tagged (just didn’t like this one)
  10. Myspace (….need I add more?)
  11. Facebook (the all powerful, yet privacy-challenged king of social networking)
  12. Twitter (devilish grin – I TOTALLY LOVE Twitter
  13. ….and myriad other similar sites with networking functionality — YouTube, Pandora, etc…..
  14. and today…. I’m BACK AT MSN.

Weird huh?

Not really when you think about it. MSN has been here all along, just waiting for folks like m to come to my senses and return to Papa.
What made me return now? Call it an anonymous tip from a friend *Stang* who called to my attention that my Windows Live account works in conjunction with MS Office software like WORD, PowerPoint and my beloved favorite ONE NOTE (I’m in heaven now ).

With THAT kind of convenience, I just HAD to log into my Hotmail account and have a look around. Guess what?

Aye’m home to STAY

…aaah

Dear Diary … Better :)

I feel so much better today than I have felt in a very long time 🙂 My smile is returning.

I have begun the process of purging my life of some (people) who I knew deep down weren’t very good for my psyche. I feel good… actually I feel better, like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I hadn’t realized how much of the anxiety was coming from a single source – and such an unlikely source too. I would be really stumped by this realization if I weren’t so relieved from the purging process.

What I have learned:
Say what you’re thinking at the time you’re thinking it – don’t hold back to be nice or assuage hurt feelings. Don’t wait for a better moment. Don’t hesitate to make your needs known.
Just do it.

~Aye, out [singing]

Bob MarleyI Can See Clearly Now

I can see clearly now, the rain is gone,
I can see all obstacles in my way
Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind
It’s gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)
Sun-Shiny day
It’s gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)
Sun-Shiny day

Oh yes I can make it now, the pain is gone
All of the bad feelings have disappeared
Here is the rainbow I’ve been prayin’ for
It’s gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)
Sun-Shiny day

Look all around, there’s nothin’ but blue skies
Look straight ahead, nothin’ but blue skies

 

I can see clearly now, the rain is gone,
I can see all obstacles in my way
Here is the rainbow I’ve been prayin’ for
It’s gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)
Sun-Shiny day
It’s gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)
Sun-Shiny day
bright (bright), bright (bright)
Sun-Shiny day
It’s gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)
Sun-Shiny day
It’s gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)
Sun-Shiny day

Dear Diary…I am at a complete loss..

I need to write but each and every time I sit down to do so, I draw a blank. Like now. WTF???? Sometimes I feel as if I have nothing to say… but other times, I can’t get my thoughts to slow down long enough to start writing. So today, I decided to quit procrastinating and just START typing whatever comes to mind. Crazy I know, but it’s therapeutic.. and LORD KNOWS, therapy probably couldn’t hurt – so here it is. My Diary is my therapy.

Don’t like it? Don’t have to read it.

I know that sounds angry and a bit standoff’ish but its how I feel. I’ve been repressed for far too long anyway. Emotions and feelings are meant to be felt, not bottled up inside. I have done that for too many years. Probably why I have issues.

Damn. I’m screwed up. Not good. 😦

Anyway…. I’m hungry. I want spaghetti. [heading to the kitchen] In the meantime, here’s my horoscope, maybe someone else can make sense of this and how it applies to my life because in my present state of mind, I damn sure can’t.

~Aye

VIRGO Daily Horoscope

You’re bursting with great energy today, and you may feel a compulsion to act altruistically. If you do, expect some sweet responses from your noble actions, and the urge to build further bridges.

Today you might want to slide on over to the slow lane — after all, you’ve been racing faster than the speed limit for far too long. Tons of interesting stuff is going on now, and if you don’t ease up on the gas pedal, you may miss out. Sure, it’s nice to have a lot going on in your life, but sometimes it’s just as nice to step on the brakes and take a more leisurely route to where you are going. The landscape is lovely in your life right now — why not take a longer look?

Stay tuned….I’ll be back….

Entry – Communication between INDIVIDUALS is Dead

Food for Thought:

What happened to one on one communication? Letter writing, Personal email interaction between individuals, a simple phone call to say “hello, I was thinking about you”…..

Social networking has killed it. Text messaging, Instant Messaging, Status updates, Twitter etc.

I feel as if I’ve lost the ability to connect on a human level. This is bad. I used to enjoy writing letters.

I miss the days of true old skool conversation. I think I’ll go back to doing that.
~Aye