Journal Entry – “Something Positive”

It has been quite awhile since I have had a blog entry. This, my most recent entry, initially started February 2015, was entitled “Something Positive” but sat empty for nearly 2 years. There is a good reason for this lapse in posting. It’s a sad reason, one that I do not like to speak about.

However, since my therapist has suggested using a blog/journal to relieve my emotional turmoil , I am again attempting to put my thoughts in writing.  Problem is, I can’t think of anything positive. I guess I’ll start with the problem.

I once had three beautiful daughters, now I have only 2 living – my youngest passed away on November 7, 2013. She was 22 years young and brought the sunshine with her everywhere she went. Asthma took her from us. Then the sun stopped shining in our home. We sat inside, like hermits, away from the world, shocked and stunned, for nearly 6 months. I cried every day for 13 months after her passing. I felt dry inside as if I cried all the tears out and need a refill because I feel as dry as the Mojave Salt Flats now. Suffice to say it has been a tough few years.

I suppose the rest will come out in time but for now, I guess the positive side is that I am still here to blog it out. I’m still here to see my other daughters every day. I’ve still got tears to cry, but they are fewer and farther between. I’m not dry inside now. My smile is returning. The sun is still shining outside, but now it’s shining again inside our home. We loved Brianna with all our hearts and miss her more than anyone can say. But the positive side is that God let us have her with us for 22 years. If you knew her, you’d know that is definitely a positive thing.

Until next time,

~Aye

 

 

Girls vs. Grown Women

Girls leave their schedule wide-open and wait for a guy to call and make plans.
Grown women make their own plans and nicely tell the guy to get in where he fits in.

Girls want to control the man in their life. 
Grown women know that if he’s truly hers, he doesn’t need controlling.

Girls check a guy for not calling them. 
Grown women are too busy to realize you hadn’t.

Girls try to put a man ‘on lock-down’ by using sex. 
Grown women know that it’s the sex of the mental kind that makes a man want to ‘lock’ you down.

Girls fake-moan, lay there and take the stabbing.
Grown women say, “Just stop”, get up, get dressed and walk it out.

Girls are afraid to be alone. 
Grown women revel in it–using it as a time for personal growth.

Girls ignore the good guys. 
Grown women ignore the bad guys.

Girls make you come. 
Grown women make you come home.

Girls worry about not being pretty and/or good enough for their man.
Grown women know that they are pretty and/or good enough for any man.

Girls try to monopolize all their man’s time (i.e. don’t want him hanging with his friends). 
Grown women realize that a little bit of space makes the ‘together time’ even more special and goes to kick it with her own friends!

Girls think a guy crying is weak. 
Grown women offer their shoulder and a tissue.

Girls want to be spoiled and ‘tell’ their man so. 
Grown women show him and make him comfortable enough to reciprocate without fear of losing his manhood.

Girls get hurt by one man and make all men pay for it. 
Grown women know that that was just one man.

Girls fall in love, chase aimlessly after the object of their affection, ignoring all signs.
Grown women know that sometimes the one you love, doesn’t always love you back and move on without bitterness.

Girls will read this and get an attitude.
Grown women will read this and pass it on to other grown women, some “not yet grown” girls and some of their male friends

Today is a blue day

 Today is a blue day

not the blue of a summer sky

not the blue of the Mediterranean

not the blue of bluebells in the greenest of meadows

DSC_0713

This blue is almost grey

the grey of a stormy sky

the grey just before dawn in mid winter of the dreariest day of the year

the grey that wrings tears from your eye

for no apparent reason at all

Today is a blue day

My smile is gone.

 

Loving like you did when you were a Kid

In reply to a question that I read recently, my thoughts led me to the following observation which I did indeed post. I have actually tested this theory and it does indeed work well.
Read on…..

“Actually, loving someone is very simple. We loved a whole lot faster and easier when we were all young and didn’t know any better. As adults, for some reason we’re so scared of getting our feelings hurt by trusting someone that we forget how to just let love, affection & friendship develop the way it’s supposed to.

We try to control it, and force it , and MAKE it happen.

But remember when you “liked” that cute boy in class? It never occurred to you to FORCE him to like you back – you simply “hoped” he did, didn’t you?

Love isn’t hard – It’s the trust part that is hard.
Can We

We tend to be unable to simply trust the other person to love us enough OR once they actually do love us, we f*ck it all up being insecure, possessive & stupid. And most of the time (if people are truly honest with themselves) we simply don’t have the confidence that we ourselves are actually worth the love that we want from someone else; so we end up chasing the person away by smothering them because we think that if we don’t, they’ll find someone else to love – which is generally what happens anyway with the unbelievably anal-retentive, obsessive behavior that adults seem to develop once they reach “maturity” and become “educated” (re: jaded) after a few turns around the block of the romantic school of hard knocks.

What I have observed is that love is very simple – people are complicated.

Love hasn’t changed much from the time when we were 5 and we had the first real love of our lives, which is why people will spend their entire lives searching for someone who will love them and make them feel as loved and secure as their very first real love did. People don’t really change much from the way they were when they were 5 or 6 – before they became jaded by life, relationships and all the little hurts and pains that come with it.

Think about it, you probably still like all the same things now that you liked when you were 5 – but you were 5, so the list wasn’t as long as it is now – you just like MORE things now than you did then. You are probably still attracted to the same kind of girl or guy that you first noticed when you were in the 2nd grade. Remember the girl who had that cute ponytail that bounced so cute when she ran? Or the boy with the dimple that you only saw when he wasn’t trying to show it? (be honest, you probably still like to see ladies with hair that bounces just like that today – she’s just got tits and a bigger ass than she did when you were 7, doesn’t she? and guys with dimples still make you warm ladies, they just seem to sport somemajor guns and a perfect 4 or 6-pack along with the dimples now)….I’ll bet you’d get with him or her even now if you could, no questions asked either – wouldn’t ya? Go ahead, admit it, I won’t tell.

Actually, Love hasn’t changed, and it’s not really all that hard. We’ve just grown up and complicated it now that we’re older and wiser (and been burned deeply and often for chasing the wrong kind of people for waaay too long).

Look deep in the mirror. Try to go back, try to locate that kid you were when you were 11 and had your first crush – go find him/her, go get the crayons, coloring book and the glass of red Kool-aid and go back to being that young, open-minded simple person you were then….. Love will get ALOT easier if you can manage to do that.”

Just an observation…..

~Aye

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